NJ Citizens Donate Voting Equipment to Smithsonian
Declare State a Monarchy
By Lynn Petrovich
Late Thursday night NJ residents, in a 7,561,234 to one vote, decided to surrender to its long-time captor, the political party boss. The news came on the heels of a mass reading of the book, The Soprano State (which has already been blamed for the run on Paxil).
This New York Times bestseller, by investigative reporters Bob Ingle and Sandy McClure, details the corruption that has permeated NJ politics for over 3 decades, plundering its citizens into a lifetime of debt, inequality, and involuntary servitude.
Marian Bloomers, Citizen Spokesperson said “The outrageous orgy both Republicans and Democrats have enjoyed – thanks to the party boss – has left NJ a hump dump of smoldering instability.
Reached for comment, Governor Chris Christie was heard to say “You mean I’m out? Whew! I mean turning NJ around is like trying to tap dance with a Woolly Mammoth at a tea party.”
Long-time NJ resident Joseph Schmalgowitz said “It’s just easier if we give up now. Why fight any longer? It’s clear we haven’t had any say in what goes on in NJ for over 30 years. What got me (from The Soprano State) was when I read John Bennett III (Republican Senator, Monmouth County) who gained fame for raking in salaries from eight separate government entities (over $200,000/year plus pension $100,000/year) in addition to billing over $5 million for work his law firm performed at the same time and in the same towns that he was municipal attorney (one being Marlboro). As Senate co-president, Bennett issued a senate birthday proclamation to a developer in Marlboro who was described (p. 166) as part ‘of the scum at the bottom of most NJ political barrels’ and who was indicted for paying bribes in excess of $140,000!”
An exhausted Pamela Klinesmithberg of Little Egg Harbor summed it up best “I’ve worked three jobs for the past 6 years so this comes as such a relief. No longer will I have to lie to my eight year old telling him hard work and honesty is the key to success. I mean when I read (on page 141):
‘The NJ legal system is headed, of course, by the NJ Supreme Court, mostly composed of lawyers with political connections but little prior judicial experience [and] the court effectively makes it own laws and orders them carried out, thus acting as all three arms of government. Seemingly few justices have read the state constitution and if they did, they didn’t understand it. The result is seven unelected, largely unknown political appointees controlling housing and education and all manner of other elements of daily life [and] who have managed to restore ‘taxation without representation’
I said, let’s just hurry up and surrender”.
Word of the news spread quickly. NJ State Senators beamed with excitement at the thought of not having to “misappropriate the truth about the misallocation of money”. One Senator from the Jersey Shore remarked: “Now when I go to Sunday services with my wife and kids, I can relax that I won’t (literally) be damned to hell.”
Political, excuse me, royal patronage flourished for no-bid contracts including velvet robes, diamond-studded scepters, moat construction, and, of course, signs. We need new signs! Those entering the state, renamed - We Under Royalty Serve Thee – will be greeted: “Welcome to the WURST state.”
Camden, a favorite cash cow that’s been milked onto life support, is known as one of the top crime-laden cities in the nation. It’s going from worst to WURST.
At the soon-to-be scheduled burning of the state constitution (which no one has paid attention to anyway), proclamations being considered include:
(1) Putting Loyalists at Local Authorities on triple pay in order to submit layout and design plans for redecoration of their “palaces”.
(2) Summoning all fair maidens for harem consideration (Note: girls from the reality show Jersey Shore need not apply).
(3) Renaming of roadways:
(a) Garden State will become Patronage Parkway;
(b) NJ Turnpike will become WURST Roadway;
(c) Atlantic City Expressway will become Loser Lane;
(d) Any roads with the following numbers will become revenue producers: 1, 9, 15, 18, 21, 27, 30, 34, 35, 36, 38, 45, 50, 52, 55, 58, 72, 78, 80, 81, 90, 95, 195, 295, 520, 537, 547 and 601.
(e) All roads will lead to nowhere (no change here).
Reached for comment, President Obama remarked “I will work hard to gain the support of the WURST people.”
There’s little clarity on how the monarchy – in the long term - will pay for its planned extravagances, and like most governments that are controlled by a few, that myopic vision will probably lead to its downfall. Under both Republican and Democrat – that is essentially one party – one boss – the WURST state will undoubtedly crash into bankruptcy, especially as its “servants” exit and the “source” income diminishes down to those who are receiving it.
And when that happens, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men won’t be able to put the hump-dump back together again.
Lynn Petrovich, Copyright 2010
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